Living to Die Again
by ClockworkGrenade
Summary: The never-ending cycle continues, aware yet uncaring of two children who time and time again meet each other. Only, it comes with a price- one that Nico di Angelo is all too aware of. In collaboration with RachelDanna on Ao3. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Percy Jackson and the Olympians, nor do I own the characters in this story. All of it belongs entirely to Rick Riordan.**

* * *

Nico remembers.

He remembers when Percy Jackson, the son of Poseidon, arrived at Camp Half Blood after the quest he had gone in place of Nico.

He remembers being ecstatic seeing his crush well and alive. But he also remembers the confusion, of not seeing Bianca with him. He remembers the pure terror he had felt when the realisation that something terribly wrong had happened, and that his sister was the most crucial part of it- the star of a tragically devastating play, if you will.

He remembers Percy telling him that Bianca wasn't coming back. Lost in a pile of metal in the middle of nowhere.

Exactly as the prophecy had foretold.

He remembers how he had screamed, yelling in anguish and pain at the news that his big sister, the sister that forced fed him vegetables during dinner with their mother, the sister that reprimanded him when he sneaked a cookie from her plate, the sister that would grumble but comply willingly whenever he woke her up at sacrilegiously early hours on Christmas Day, the sister that told him it was okay to feel love for another of the same gender and that he wasn't stupid or mad, the sister that accepted the real him, the only sister he ever had, was dead.

Bianca di Angelo was dead, but there wasn't even a body to honour her sacrifice.

He remembers the hollow look in Percy's eyes as the son of Poseidon thrust a small figure into Nico's hands. He remembers turning it over in his hands later that same night, deep in the forest, and recognises it as the last figure that he needed to complete his collection.

The miniature statue of Hades- the god of the underworld, their _father_ \- was the cause of his sister's demise.

What a joke.

The ground had split open, and skeletons arose to do his bidding. Nico doesn't remember how he did it, or how it even happened, but he _could_ remember the feeling of emptiness in knowing that Bianca wouldn't be able to hold him on the nights when it got too lonely to bear, that she wouldn't be able to admonish him to be silent any longer- that she wouldn't be there for him ever again.

He wouldn't be able to see her smile, her laugh; the little scowl on her face when she got upset with him; her worried face when he fell down and scraped his knees; the cheeky laugh and teasing remarks when his face lit up with embarrassment whenever he noticed a cute boy walking down the street. He wouldn't be able to hear her voice telling him it's going to be okay, and that no matter what happens, she'll always love him.

But he couldn't recall the last time _he_ told her he loved her.

By the time Percy had defeated the skeletons and sought out to look for the young Italian, Nico was already gone. And that was when Nico di Angelo, son of Hades, broke for the first time.

He couldn't save his sister. He wasn't even there for her last few moments. As night fell in the shadows of a forest far, _far_ away from Camp Half Blood, the place that was the source of his misery, Nico swore to all the gods above that if he were given another chance, he would save Bianca. That he would keep her alive and within his reach. That she would be breathing, smiling, laughing... _living_. That he wouldn't fail her again.

And thus, the cycle begins.

* * *

Nico doesn't realize it, much less remembers, until he sees Bianca getting caught in the middle of a brawl.

They were just taking a walk down the street after dinner, and Bianca Weathers, a classmate in his university, was laughing about something silly and Nico had simply snorted and nudged her side, a small smile on his pale face.

He didn't anticipate that someone would actually attack them in the middle of the night. The man was drunk, and they were clearly mistaken for someone else. Bianca immediately stepped in front of him like the protective friend (and sister, though she didn't know it) she was, and did her best to defend Nico from this drunken fool.

He hadn't bothered to figure out what the man was going on and on about as he attacked them, the only thing he was bothered about was when Bianca got hit in the head by the glass bottle the drunken was carrying.

Nico had stared blankly in shock at the crystal shards that were embedded in Bianca's head, and it wasn't until her blood trickled down the sidewalk that he started yelling for help.

The man seemed to panic at knowing what he had done, but Nico didn't care about that him, knowing somewhere in the back of his head the police would find him. He only ever cared about his sister. And as he knelt down by her side and cradled her head in his arms, sobbing and desperately attempting to rouse Bianca from her unconsciousness. "Bianca, stay with me! Bi, please, why won't you wake up?! Bianca? Bianca, _please!_ Just _wake up!_ "

The ambulance arrived in another 10 minutes, and he refused to leave her side even as the people in charge lifted her into the vehicle, clutching her hand like the younger brother he once was.

And despite the haste lost in blaring sirens and the blur of red lights as the ambulance sped by, it wasn't fast enough. Bianca was pronounced dead a mere fifteen minutes later.

They hadn't even reached the hospital.

That was when Nico finally remembered. His (former) sister's pale and very much stilled body broke something in him, and he remembered. He remembered the first time she died, when Percy had told him he couldn't do anything to save her and that they searched for her for too long to only come up with no results.

Nico had failed again, his sister was dead, and he let out a scream similar to the first time he found out that she died, and the doctors stared at him in pity.

He was angry with himself, for not remembering earlier. For not remembering their demigod days, or rather, his, when he lived his life regretting Bianca's death, for not being able to save her.

And Nico crashed into another million pieces.

* * *

The fire was everywhere.

Smoke filled his lungs as the whole row of houses caught in a blaze. Screaming for Bianca Sterlington, Nico de Sol pushed aside the fallen debris and frantically searched around for his best friend.

Nico's eyes were tearing from the smoke and his desperation to not fail Bianca again when he heard her scream, "Nico! Why did you come back?! Get out of here!" before it was quickly followed by a hacking cough that made fear course through his body.

He sees her sprawled across their living room; the glassed cased bookshelf on top of her legs as he gasped for what little oxygen there was in the blazing room.

"Bianca!" Nico yells, crossing what was once her family's flower printed couch that was now aflame before running to her side, scorching his arms just to get to her. "Hang on! Just hang on!" Nico pleads, trying to lift the heavy shelf off her legs. He freezes in place when Bianca cried out in pain, his tears now coming down in streams.

'No, no, no! Not again! Please! Please don't take her away from me again!'

"Nico, _go_! Get out of here! This place is going to collapse and you'll _die! **Get out!**_ " Bianca screams at him, clutching his arms tightly to stop him from trying to pull her out.

Nico shook his head furiously, hissing loudly, " _Not without you!_ " as he struggled, tears streaming down his face. When he realized that there wasn't anything he could do, Nico dropped to his knees by her side, gripping her hand tightly as sobs racked his body.

"I'll find you again. I'll swear I will next time. Bianca, wait for me. I'll find you again and again and again until I save you and you're alive and living by my side." Nico pleads, bringing her hand up to his lips and kissing it gingerly as his tears mixed with blood from a wound he had gotten while barging in to look for the person who was once his sister.

Bianca looked at him, a confused look evident on her face that was smudged black with soot. Just as she opened her mouth to speak, a loud explosion catches her words and Nico's world blacks out.

The last thing he saw was Bianca being engulfed in flames. And that was the first thing that came to his mind in his next life.

* * *

They're both siblings, but they were poor in this life, living off leftovers and resorting to crime to sustain their life.

Nico had considered telling Bianca about their past lives before, because she didn't seem to remember any of it. But recalling those moments where he had failed to save her made him lose it a little bit more, and he decided to drop the topic altogether.

It wasn't like Bianca would believe him anyway.

Nico hated the days where Bianca had to beg for money just to buy medicine for him when he got sick. He didn't like seeing her like that, on her knees crying for a few pieces of paper just so that she could see her brother healthy once more.

But he hated the tsunami that hit them even more than that. He felt the rumbling of the earth beneath his feet, and shuddered at the memory of Gaia rising in his first life, but pushed it aside when the rumbling started to get worse. When the water hit and swallowed the entire city of New Orleans, Nico's arm sprung out to catch Bianca's by his side.

The fear in her eyes doubled his own, and his eyes had gone wide and a silent scream escaped his lips as her hand slipped away. Nico lunged towards her, but it wasn't enough and he just couldn't reach her as the current dragged her away, separating the two siblings from each other. Each time he broke surface for air, he screamed for Bianca as he flailed and floundered in the gushing water, demanding where she was and if she was okay before the water swallowed him back up without finishing his pleas.

It was ironic, how the elements were so against them. What next? An earthquake? A tornado?

When the disaster was over, Nico gathered around with the survivors, scanning the crowd for his sister, pushing people away and screaming for her over and over again.

It wasn't until he had tripped over Bianca's body that he stopped searching. Nico bit his lip, breaking the skin and making it bleed. The blood slid down his chin and soaked his already drenched shirt.

Just like how Bianca's was soaked in her own blood, a sharp metal pole through her body as her eyes stared unseeingly at the gloomy sky above.

Nico simply closed her eyes, muttered a prayer and walked away.

(He had to stop this cycle. He _had_ to).

* * *

Nico is twenty five.

He works as a bartender half an hour down the road in London by car, with Leo. When Nico first saw him, he had frozen in his tracks, looking at him in disbelief.

Leo's eyes had widened in surprise, but he quickly recomposed himself and simply grinned at him, and gave him an enthusiastic salute. "Nice to meet'cha!" he laughed. "The name's Leo Valdez!"

Leo remembers everything.

He remembers his mother, Hera, Gaia, _everything_. Leo even remembers Calypso, which he had found again, and they were still a happy couple. To be honest, Nico was a little jealous. But he was happy for his not so close friend either way. Leo had deserved that happiness after all.

"You still haven't found your sister?" Leo asked one night; long after the bar had closed for the day. Nico and Leo were pouring each other shots, and were on the brink of getting drunk.

As long as they paid for their drinks, they figured their manager wouldn't kick them out for staying the night in their supposed work place.

Nico shook his head, "We're not siblings in this time. I search for her almost every day, but I still can't find her." He sighed, downing the whiskey before slamming the glass down a little harder than necessary after it was empty.

Leo shook his head, and smiled at Nico with rosy cheeks, conviction clear in his voice despite his drunken appearance. "You'll find her." Nico snorts, but doesn't protest when his companion pours him another drink.

He didn't stay the night at the bar after all. Instead, he had hauled Leo with him and into a taxi, driving both of them home. In his drunken state, he might've paid the driver too much, but at that point he didn't really care.

The next morning, he woke up with a pounding in his head and the urge to vomit into the nearest trashcan. Dragging himself out of bed, he ran to the toilet, and did just that.

Someone sighed behind him, and when he pulled away, his housemate was raising his eyebrows at him.

"You shouldn't have drunk so much, man."

Nico simply flipped him off, and had the decency to shower and brush his teeth before leaving the house. It wasn't a good idea walking down the busy streets of Washington when you were having a hangover. Nico found himself watching as a car sped towards him, not noticing that he had crossed the street when the light for pedestrians was glowing bright red.

He had enough time to react by closing his eyes, putting his arms in front of him as if that would save him from the impact. He heard the tires screeching, the yells of the other people-

" _Watch out!_ "-

and the loud smack that followed.

Nico fell to the ground, grunting at the push, but he didn't feel the impact from the car. He snapped his eyes opened, and glanced at the person who took the hit for him. His jaw went slack, his throat tightened, and for what felt like the billionth time since he was reborn, collapsed on his knees by the woman's side.

The woman's hands laid on Nico's lap, spread open as her head faced him, eyes closed with blood running down her forehead. He remembers every detail, and with shaking hands, he reaches to cup her cheeks in his hands. Distantly, he hears the cry of the people, yelling for an ambulance. He could hear Leo rushing out of the bar, could hear him yell fro Nico's pain.

His thumb brushes past her eyelids, and he whispers,

"Bianca."

But the only response he got was a weak smile before her heart stopped once more, leaving him empty because what kind of joke were the Fates playing at, having him saved by the sister he vowed to protect.

And Nico died a little more inside again.

* * *

In this life, he meets Will.

"Nico." Will had tears in his eyes, and Nico had the decency to smile, allowing Will to wrap his arms around his small body. "I didn't think I'd see you again, Will." He mutters, closing his eyes and breathing in the comforting scent of sunshine that Will had, relishing in the warmth of his love.

"I missed you too, Death Boy." Will chuckles. Nico rolls his eyes, and pulls away, gripping Will's hand. "How is she?" He eventually asks, glancing at the ward Bianca was sleeping in, and back to Will, clad in a doctor's uniform, coat and all.

Shaking his head, he looks at Bianca through the small window by the door, and sighs. "Fourth stage brain cancer. We can't help her. Not anymore. We can prolong her remaining months, but…" Will trails off.

Nico let out a shuddering breath, the reality of this weighing down on him, and drops himself on one of the plastic chairs in the hallway, leaning down to hide his face in his hands. "Just when I thought we would get through this one. What a joke." Nico laughs, void of any humor. "Zeus must be laughing at me now, isn't he?" he snarls, getting up to punch the opposite wall, his fist protesting, but he kept punching, Will watching on until he stopped.

Pulling Nico back onto the chair, he doesn't say anything, kneeling by his knees and taking the red and blistered hand in his. "I'm sorry." Will mumbles, taking Nico into another hug. "Does she remember you? The first you?" he asks, stroking through Nico's hair comfortingly.

"No." Nico spat, eyes squeezed shut, trying not to cry. "She hasn't remembered me for the past tens of times."

In this life, Bianca has cancer. And he couldn't do anything to stop it from happening.

* * *

She dies from a gunshot.

Nico watches in horror as the robbers points a gun at her stomach, watches as she screams and they scream, watches as she refuses to give the code to unlock the vault holding the precious diamonds and gold, watches as they lose their patience and pull the trigger.

It was the first time he wishes he were the son of Pluto, where he could summon the treasures just as Hazel once did in their first life.

With a strength he didn't know he had, he charges and rips the gun from the person who had shot his sister, who was still a stranger in this world, putting it to his neck, and without any hesitation, pulls the trigger.

Screams broadcasted across the room, but Nico didn't stop, pointing the gun to the other three men who had decided it would be the best to rob this particular store in New York. Fury clouded his eyes, and by the time he was done, the robbers' bodies laid motionless on the ground.

Nico screamed, tears running down his face and hitting the ground, bloodied and stained, with the other customers looking on in shock. Collapsing to his knees, he crawled to Bianca's side, pleading for her to stay, whimpering and holding her rapidly growing cold body in his arms.

Bianca stared up at him, her face pale as a sheet. Her stormy eyes slowly lost their colour, and with a last breath, she smiled, "Nico. You're alive." Her hand reached up to brush across her brother's twenty year old face. "Look how… handsome… you've gotten."

Her hand dropped to the ground, and Nico had to remind himself to breathe. Gripping Bianca's shoulders till his knuckles turned white, he blinks back tears, and starts shaking her. "Bianca. Bianca you remember me. Bianca? Bianca!" he yells, fresh tears springing into his eyes, and he screams a painfully familiar mantra, "Bianca! Bianca please! Wake up! Wake up, wake up, _wake up!_ "

By the time the police and ambulance arrived, Bianca was already dead in his arms. Feeling cold and numb, Nico was found with his face in Bianca's neck, crying for all his worth, wondering what the hell they did to deserve any of this.

'Wake up… please. Wake up. Just wake up.'

* * *

When Nico meets Percy, the first thing he does is to punch him across the face, frustration and anger spilling out of him, fuelling the punch with power. But the frustration soon dies down, and he shakes his hand from the pain, but dismisses it just as quickly.

Annabeth is by his side in an instant, and a crowd has gathered around them. "Nico," the son of Poseidon wheezes, pulling himself up to stare at him. Annabeth snaps her head up at the name, and Nico snorts.

"Remember me, do you?" Nico hissed, grabbing his bag and pulling it on once more. "Nice to see you too, Jackson." He grins, waving his hand, clad in simple rings.

"What was that punch for, you asshole?" Percy groans, and Nico shrugs. "I just felt like it, jackass." He smiles sarcastically. Percy scoffs, pulling himself up and walking towards Nico, socking him across his jaw, sending him sprawling onto the ground.

"Damn." Nico gasps, rubbing the spot where Percy had hit him, "Still have that nasty right hook I see." He mutters, before pulling himself up. Percy laughs, before slapping Nico's head, and shrugs, "Old habits die hard, I guess."

"You two are idiots." Annabeth sighs, before smiling at Nico, greeting him with a simple wave. "Nice to see you, Nico. Even though a punch was a little overboard, don't you think?"

Nico rolled his eyes, not bothering to answer before his eyes caught a familiar looking blonde head. "Jason?" He asks instead, walking with them to the college cafeteria, the crowd looking at them in complete confusion.

"The whole gang is here." Percy answers, linking his hand with Annabeth's, and Nico smirks. "Did Leo tell you about the time where he and I both worked in a bar together?"

"You're kidding." Annabeth frowns, and Nico laughed, "I'm not."

It was when he sat down at the table, greeted by Jason's surprised face and Leo's grin, and the surprised yet cheerful greetings from the rest of their unsightly group, that he finally grew serious. "Have any of you seen Bianca?" he mutters, gripping Will's hand, that was sitting next to him.

Silence answers him, and Nico closed his eyes, sighing as he rested his chin on the table, "I'll take that as a no."

"Nico…" Piper bit her lip. Nico looked up, seeing Hazel and Frank at the far corner of the table. Offering a small, sad smile, he motions at his half sister. "At least I have her."

It was the most relaxed life Nico had for the past few centuries. Spending time with his old friends, actually getting married this time (to Will, of course), and generally having a decent life.

But he didn't find Bianca, not even once. And so, he tried again.

* * *

Thirthy year old Nico watches seventeen year old Bianca stand on the top of the highest building in the city, and he clenches his fists together tightly, knuckles turning white like how it did whenever he realized he couldn't do anything to stop Bianca from dying.

He watches Bianca jump, his body going rigid as not even a scream left her lips. Nico sighs, closing his eyes before walking away.

He didn't want to do this anymore, he didn't want to watch his sister die again and again and he couldn't do a single fucking thing to stop it from happening.

He walked away, far away from the scene. He lost his sister to suicide; he had lost his sister because his sister had actually wanted to die.

Nico didn't want to do it anymore, but a faint glimmer of hope kept him from trying again. That small thread of hope that they could actually live together again, happily.

Maybe it was just life that the conditions were never to their favour. Despite that, Nico tells himself that he'll try once more.

Only once more, and maybe, _just maybe_ , it would work out this time.

(But then again, maybe not.)

* * *

Nico looks at the scene before him, familiar and known. They're reborn once more, they were siblings, their age differences were the same as their first life. Demigods. Children of Eros.

'What a fucking joke.' Nico thinks, kicking the pebbles away from him in the snowy mountains they were at, and Bianca runs up to him, her face serious but having a little glint in her eyes.

"Nico. I'm joining the hunters."

Nico wondered if Artemis knew who they once were, they looked different, but their features were still roughly the same, easily recognizable. Percy, reincarnated as a child of Apollo- oh how the gods laughed at Nico's pain; they couldn't keep shoving his past in his face like this, _they couldn't, they had to stop_ \- this time, turns to him, overhearing Bianca's exclamation. A profound look of utter fear was on the once-hero's face as he shook his head violently, but Nico dimisses it with a small smile.

He couldn't avoid it after all.

Turning back to Bianca, the smile still plastered on his face, he exhales silently before nodding his head in affirmation to his sister's choice.

"Okay."

He closes his eyes, and the cycle repeats.

* * *

 **Hello, CG here!~**

 **Shoutout to** **RachelDanna** **on Ao3 for collaborating this fic with me, as well as** **Jupanuma** **and** **Night of Raining Flames** **for mentioning that I messed up the initial formatting, therefore this is a repost of the story.**

 **Another thing: I'm aware that in the wonderful world of Percy Jackson, reincarnation is only granted three times, and that is for those who are trying for the Isle of the Blest, but for the sake of this story, let's not think about it, shall we xD And yes, this fic should come under Angst, but I figured that Hurt/Comfort was also pretty major in this story; As for the other one... well, let's just say that 'Family' is essential so wrong ideas would not be assumed.**

 **Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed the angst~**

 **Cheers,**

 **-CG**


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